…And my secret love’s no secret anymore…

img_24651 “You didn’t tell me about her,” Bobbie said with mimimal intonation, when I described the photo to the left as my subway fantasy.  Of course I didn’t tell her.  I didn’t tell anyone else either.  Hell, I hardly told me.  Talking about fantasies was never pushed during my growing up period, that time of life when lifelong habits are formed.  Keep in mind I’m talking about growing up lower middle class in New England (Hartford, Connecticut) during the 1940’s and ’50’s.  Sure, I once found a book of naughty cartoons entitled Over Sexteen under a stack of blankets in the little nameless room just off the living room.  I still remember it’s definition of a Sweater Girl, a concept that’s long passed from popular culture.  That definition: a woman who pulls your eyes over the wool.  If there was any other sex-oriented material in the apartment, it must have been in the eyes and the sweat of my parents.  Lord knows I looked–how do you think I found Over Sexteen?–thoroughly and without success.  The lesson: fantasies are a private affair, and that’s undoubtedly what made them so delicious.

Today fantasies  have been replaced with acting out.  Men with the outlines of their erections showing grace the billboards above Times Square.  Prostitution services advertise both on television and in the Yellow Pages.  Two of New York’s three daily newspapers keep us abreast of the comings (yes, puns intended) and goings of the actors and politicians who live out their fantasy lives for our amusement and envy.  Sex toys, tools and videos are even  offered in those catalogs which specialize in raised toilet seats for seniors and the otherwise infirm.

Now before this post is mistaken for a rant against the present and nostalgic longing for the good old days, let me assure you that it is neither.  It’s actually no more than me noting one more instance in which I’ve  caught myself carrying Then into my interaction with Now.  When I do this unawares, it creates confusions and frustrations.  When I become aware of it, the opportunity for learning and even growth appears.  I write about it because, being just one of the crowd, this is a habit I share with a great many people.  Maybe even with you, dear reader.

So here’s my question to you:  What are you holding onto?  What beliefs, opinions, verities, prejudices re yourself, others and the world still color the glasses through which you look at it all?  Hit the reddish “comments” word at the end of this and tell me all about it.

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Published in: on November 22, 2008 at 9:55 pm  Comments (4)  
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  1. What are you holding onto? What beliefs, opinions, verities, prejudices re yourself, others and the world still color the glasses through which you look at it all?

    90% or more of the people on earth belong in the category “THE GREAT UNWASHED!”

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  2. Beautiful post Richard. It reminds me of what I wrote last night to empty my mind of the crazyness building up inside of it. I hope all the readers understand the nature of the mind and can read this as if they were watching clouds pass through the sky..I will call it “The Secrets in My Mind, are Secrets No More…”

    Who am I? As of right now the answer to this question has me running around in circles. I feel as though I am going completely mad. I am definitely losing my sense of self, but this is not what I thought it would be. I could tell you theoretically who I am based on my readings, but not experiences. At the same time I could tell you theoretically who I am not, based on my actual life experiences. This is the paradox that does not make any sense to me. Who is it that talks in my mind? Who do I listen to and who is just trying to make me better or protect me? I am told I am not any of my thoughts so how could I listen to some over others? I feel very unsettled when I have to make my own choices. What if it is the wrong choice? I am a person with very little confidence the choices I make. I never finish things through, and when I have one thing, even if it is exactly what I want, I always want another thing. I can definitely say that the one quote is true, and I paraphrase: When the mind doesn’t get what it wants, it is unhappy, and when the mind gets exactly what it wants, it is still unhappy. What is it that is bothering me today? I love a girl who is amazing and everything I could want, yet I see someone else and think what if? What if is the worst question ever. It takes me out of the present moment and into the fantasies and bullshit I like to call hell. My hell is dis-satisfaction with everything I am doing right now. Nothing is completely making me feel complete. I know that nothing outside of me can make me complete which is why I am writing this down to see what part of myself is not complete. It seems as though the more I meditate the crazier I become. The more fears I have. The more anger and desires I notice. I try my best not to believe that they are me but the worm looks so good dangling on that nice pointy hook. So let’s see what I fear because even now in this moment I still don’t have the slightest clue. So Mark, what do you fear? I close my eyes and what comes up? I fear being alone and making the wrong choices. I fear making a choice then leaving halfway through. I fear having my heart ripped out of my chest and stepped on. I fear arguing. Why do I fear arguing? I fear arguing because it is uncomfortable, but there has got to be more than that. I don’t mind being uncomfortable there has to be a memory attached to this feeling. What is it? Anger, sadness, pain…I feel as though every bad emotion I have ever felt is coming up right now. I want it up…I want it out. So I ask to whoever is listening and helping me along this journey to let my feelings come up and out. I want to feel. I want to cry. I want to be free of this prison my mind has created. I want the mind to be second, not first. I want to feel what all the books say I am. I want to be free. The crazy paradoxical part is amidst all these emotions and trapped feelings which I cannot stand to feel, I am able to connect with all beings who are caught up in the illusion of Self. Maybe I need this to have more compassion for all the beings who surround me. We are all trapped, but in reality we are no more trapped then the sky is to clouds. If the sky thought he was the clouds, then he would feel trapped and scared of disappearing, but the sky is not the clouds and I am not this mind or body. Then what am I? I know the logical mind will never get this, yet still I try so hard hoping that the mind will stupefy and give up. My lack of confidence seems to stem from many things. Being made fun of, having everything handed to me, my inability to control everything and everyone around me. I am in control of nothing. Even my “free will” doesn’t seem free. We live in a world of cause and effect. Everything depends on everything else…so how can anything be free? I am enjoying this typing very much because with every word I type on this screen, more and more of my mind empties. It is now filling up again. My girlfriend tells me that I have a problem everyday, yet I feel that most of the problems are me reacting to her having a problem. Our communication sucks and all we want to do is be right. We have learned to agree to disagree and things got better, but with every fight that happens, more and more defenses come up. Like bees on honey, every fight is an opportunity to strengthen the ego. I try to just listen to the thoughts and then let them go. If I wait long enough that happens, but then I think to myself does no ego mean no opinion? It is a very confusing topic! Empty. It feels nice when I have those moments of silence. That is why I enjoy meditating because for a brief time during and afterwards I feel silenced. Not so caught up with Mark and his bullshit stories that make him feel bad. Not everything about me is bad though. It just seems like I am focusing more on them because of how I feel. Maybe that is my problem. But whatever I am feeling, I feel that I need to heal it. It is here for me to learn. God, I only wish I knew what it is that I am supposed to be learning. Empty. Writing is great! I should do it more often. I am going to re-read and see where I am at. I am afraid to send this to my girlfriend as she might think I am completely insane! I don’t think I am, I just think I am free writing and proving how much my mind never makes any sense. Every sentence was once a thought. The thoughts never end; they don’t make sense and most of them I don’t believe. So if she does read this I hope that she will not think differently of me, but feel closer to me knowing that she has just indirectly seen my mind. She has been able to bring out the sides of me I thought I disowned or got rid of. For this I love her even more because I am slowly becoming aware of more and more, and the light of awareness can dissipate years of darkness. I hope she stays around long enough to see the light behind all of these veils. Together I think we can unveil our eyes and see the true reality as it is in this moment. She was the one who told me hard work pays off. We are never going backwards, only forwards. Each step we take is never taking us down the mountain; we are always going up. There may be canyons, rivers, deep crevices, but never do we turn around and walk back down. Even when things are perfect we keep trekking up hill. Enjoying the good times is just taking a brief moment to enjoy the view from how far we have climbed. But we must continue on. I can’t tell you if we ever get to the top, but I can promise you that I will keep climbing as if I will get there. More texts from my girlfriend makes me nervous about showing her this. She tells me what to do. I think she wants to suggest things but they come off demanding. She told me to focus on what I want. Telling becomes very offensive…I do not understand why. Is it an ego or just a boundary breach? Is there a difference? I do want her to read this, but I feel as though we are too deep into things for her to read it without judgments or without this causing newer problems and fears. I don’t plan on leaving, so I don’t really know what other fears she could have. Seeing her argue with her mother today scared me a lot. I feel that she put responsibility in someone else and blamed her mom for her forgetting a notebook. The fight wasn’t even about the notebook it was about nothing. We had paper and pens which is what she forgot. “I forgot this”…”don’t worry I have extra for you.” Problem solved. Maybe she was mad at herself for forgetting and wanted someone else to be mad at. I don’t know…Now I really don’t want her to read this because I fear that the last few sentences will be taken extremely offensively. This fear needs to be brought up. We can’t even talk as friends anymore to help each other grow I feel. This is just my mind also saying these things. I don’t back everything up 100 percent. Just like a cloud in the winter I keep spitting out snow until the snow falls no more. All that is left is a pile of my thoughts those of which aren’t true, false, right, wrong, good or bad. So I hope that if this is ever read, it can be understood as thoughts not truth.

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  3. OOOMMM….,OOOMM….,OOOMMM….ETC….We all do it! your blog Dick is always enjoyable. I really enjoyed the above writer’s analysis of his ‘condition’. Best line is: “When the mind doesn’t get what it wants, it is unhappy, and when the mind gets exactly what it wants, it is still unhappy.”

    So have a good day! It can always be worse!

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  4. The timing of your blog and, even more so, the timing of my comment is…for lack of a better word…timely. It so happens that at church today, some of the readings had to do with God sorting out the deserving-of-paradise people from the not-deserving. The parable talked about Him placing the sheep on His right hand, and the goats on the left. Further into the readings, God said that (I paraphrase) “whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, you do unto Me…’ It was suggested that we should help the less fortunate—feed the hungry, visit the sick, etc.

    Why is this timely, you ask? Well, after I left church, I headed to the neighborhood grocery store to buy some teabags. As I proceeded up Broadway, a long-black-coated-upper-teeth-missing older man was sitting on a wodden crate in front of Fairway. He was begging for money so he “could get something to eat.”

    This is where my prejudices, beliefs, opinions kicked in as I nodded in the negative and began to walk away. A few steps later, it hit me hard. What lesson was I not taking away from church today? I was thinking, I am sure, that the man was not really going to use the money for food. Maybe alcohol!! Maybe drugs!! That was my belief, and then I got hit with today’s lesson. “Whatsoever you do to the least…”

    I turned around and walked back to the man who was already thanking me. Humbly. He smiled as I handed him a dollar bill. We chatted pleasantly for a minute, and I left him to go buy my tea. I didn’t need any food. I had already eaten crow.

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